Shaken Soda Bottle

So sorry I haven't posted in awhile a lot has happened lol and on top of that  im a bit busy with school (and trying to graduate) and trying to get my spirit right.  I also realized that i post very long blogs and i somewhat tend to push it aside because they tend to be time consuming even though they help my faith walk sooo to sum up a couple of events....       

  Thursday April 15

• Was the day i set aside to organize my life (school note), clean house and study for my exam and what happened? This Thursday was exam day!!! I walked into class to take an exam I though was next week, lol talk about wrong timing.  After i took the exam I met a friend of mine told her the story and she offered to take me to get smoothies that she promised I couldn't resist.  There is always a silver lining.  I went to my dorm and cleaned my room and had a talk with the Lord

Friday April 16

• I woke up at 6:30 in the AM to go to the gym i decided that today was a  new day and I've been sluggish long enough it was cool I was early to my 11:15 class (which my professor was so dear to take not of.) Me and my Friend walked almost 4.5 blocks to have a smooothie (she promised ^_^) which was REALLY GOOD!! It was made out of strawberries, bananas, yogurt and get this OATS! I also took advantage of the additional protein and whipped Cream option! 

• I also That night one of the RSOs (Registered Student Organizations) I dropped had an annual event which I planned on not attending .They still feel sometime of way that i was women enough to say that the position I held (PR) was to overwhelming. Our relationship was strictly performance base and when i left their actions proved it.  i was supposed to do my friend's hair for the event (she was hosting it) but she never contacted me until I sent her a text and she said maybe and if i could also do her make-up.  After that didn't hear from her.

   I hung out with my cuz and she is a beautiful person inside and out! She is studying to be a phycologist and that so wonderful because I need help!  Anyways I was talking about my relationship with my "friend" which also spilled into the relationship I have with my mom and my sister.  I revealed that I get soo angry with them, its like the ones that i love are the same ones that continually make me frustrated and hurt.  i also realized (with her help of course) that the three of them can be toxic to my and the way I feel about myself and affect me in a lot of ways that I never really thought about.  I unconsciously make efforts to limit myself in their company due to the fact that "i just can't be around them like that." I always knew that it couldn't be completely their fault because they're 3 different types of individuals.  We came to the conclusion that i hold a lot of emotions,mostly hurt and anger, inside.  Peaches compared me to a shaken soda bottle their actions and comments make me angry and I get all fizzed up but i suppress my feelings and then im back to normal.  I'm really good at forgiving and being an adult....so i thought.  I always found myself quoting scriptures which remind me to be slow to anger and slow to take offense.   After a while, after shaking the soda can and letting in settle, shaking the soda can and letting it settle something spontaneous happens.  The can explodes!  That is exactly what I would do!


This is what I would do before I rededicated my life to God.  In my relationships I would take stuff and not say anything and forgive and do it over again but as time passed resentment would kick in and i would be soo fed up that i wouldn't care.  All the things that i took offense to or hurt my feelings churned inside until i became cold.  At that moment I would decided to bring up some issues that may have happened recently and try to express how i felt but because he wasnt used to it he misinterpreted my concerns as meaningless talk or he would just apologize.  Either case I would intentially hurt him by saying its too late and that im done!  He would want to talk but I would be soo cold and hurting and crying and spewing out everything I held on too.  My words would cut and  the fact that i would cry made the situation upsetting.  After I was done I would secretly take pleasure in knowing that he felt what i was feeling on the inside.  What liberated me was destructive to him and the worst part; i didn't care.  I wanted it to burn and I wanted him to suffer like I had too like I chose too.  With my mother I would just stop all contact.  I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't see her or anything.  When we did talk i would be pleasantly monotone and uninterested.  I did this because I wanted her to feel what I felt which was isolation and abandonment.  I still loved her but there would be a time "of explosion" when I was very cold-passively.   I thought that I sacrificed a lot for people.

Now I know that I have to express how I feel instead of letting it go.  I'm not cold anymore or  carry the burden of unforgiveness but I still have some issues.  The solution SPEAK ABOUT IT!! So far it has worked and it's the best advice i have ever gotten, do you know why?? Because the people you love the most would never intentionally make you feel like that or hurt you.  Everyone fights and disagrees but if you express yourself then it make it possible to actually see eye to eye or agree to disagree.  They JUST DIDN'T KNOW!!! How can I expect them to?  Guess what else....SOMETIMES I INTERPRET THEM WRONG!!! That's the power of communication and the Power of God! He knew I needed to get over this stepping stone and that's why He blessed me with my cuz so she can help me out with my issues lol!!