Alright!!

So I finally been preoccupied by the Lord's Love which has allowed for me to be obedient! I turned in my paper work to volunteer and I'm more serious about preparing my tides and extra offerings as soon as I get paid and not Sunday morning lol. Honestly putting God first feels good because I know that he is the only one that continues to look after me regardless of my actions.  I can never repay the debt of His blood but I can share HIS awesomeness! 


So what am I still struggling with?  Honoring my parents, i don't think im disrespectful but my mom has been really getting on my nerves (I did her hair right after I got off on Sat and that was a headache lol) and she has this habit of interrupting my sleep numerous amounts times to ask my simple questions.  I really can't stand when people have no regard for my resting.... that is soo disrespectful. Yesterday she flicked on my bedroom lights just to ask me if her shoes matched for the 5th time.  I was soo tempted to unscrew my light bulb and lock my door.  I jokingly told her that it annoys me when she asks me random questions (especially about items SHE misplaced).  I also don't like when she exists my room and forgets to close the door.  It wouldn't bother me so much if her boyfriend wasn't walking around, I don't like random men looking at me lying in my bed.


Anyways I'm still reading Nehemiah a chapter a day and I'm really contemplating about changing my diet and hair/skin regiment.  I want to stop eating processed meats and food.  I also want to use only natural products in my hair and skin.  As I nourish my spirit with the word everyday I want to also nourish my body like God intended.  I have more hours this week at work so im happy about that : ).  Still looking for a full-time job relevant to my major but while im looking im going to focus on rejuvenating my spirit and body.  Oh yea I want to gain 20 lbs of muscle! Gaining weight, eating right and using natural products can be very expensive so I guess ill dab a little for now and hopefully before Jan I will have that job but for now no processed meats!! AND lots of carbs! 


   

GOD loves ME...

After writing my blog last night I realized that It was hard for me to dedicate my life to God because of a few reasons.  It was hard for me to trust God because I was scared that God would force me to do things I didn't want to do.  I also thought that working in His kingdom and in ministry would somehow take away from all of my dreams and goals.  I thought that living for God would only be a lifetime of spiritual battle between my own desires and God's Plan for my life. Do you want to know what I thought Gods plan for my life was?  Boring mediocrity; never using or exploring my full potential and never getting to experience life worth living.

But the Holy Spirit intervened and reminded me that God is Love and He Loves me.  This I knew was true and the Holy Spirit challenged my preconceived thoughts..."Why would God do this to me if He Loved me?"  The Holy spirit directed me to this website: 

  http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/how_god_sees_us.php

I learned so much!!  God LOVES US!!! He wants an intimate relationship with everyone of His children.  You have to go to the Website! He's always there and He wants to Bless us not only with material things but with joy.  He takes time to nurture and protect us and NO ONE can love us like He Can.  I wanted to learn about His Love so the holy spirit directed me to this website: 

http://www.godandscience.org/love/biblicallove.html

God has agape Love for us, unconditional!  I always wanted to be truly loved and I always felt that I loved others more than they will ever love me.  I know for a fact that I have felt abandoned by everyone I've ever loved at least once.  I find it so easy to love others and I easily find myself burdened with such feelings.  I am soo glad that I know a Being who will Love me forever no matter what I do, what I look like; while never asking for anything in return.  He loves those who don't even know Him; he loves those who even abandon and hate Him.  I feel so good that there is someone who is quick to stand up for me, who teaches me and protects me with all the power He has.  I realized that it is soo easy for my to bend over backwards for my friends and family because  we care and love each other.  When I think about all the love that God has for me and how I have put my boyfriends/friends/ and family before Him, I get so angry.  All those times I was at a place I shouldn't have been or doing things I had no business doing I let God down.  I disappointed Him.  For what? To get approval from people that didn't really care about me like that and here God is who loves me the most!  It didn't make sense to me.  Because God loves me so much and is soo patient with me I will dedicate my life to Him because at the end of the day He is the one that cares, He is the one that mourns when Im sad and off course  and He is the supplier of ALL of my joy.  I decided to put God first before anyone or anything else.  I want to dedicate my life to God because hey...it feels good being loved.  I am in Love with the Lord lol..

I found this website which talks about serving the Lord:

http://www.lsministries.org/articles/serving_lord_jesus_1.html

God wants us to serve Him by serving others.  In everything that we do it must be for Him and not the "warm gushy feeling" you get when you do something good because that feeling isn't always going to be present.  We are commanded to serve.  We have to Choose to consecrate ourselves totally to the Lord.  At this point I struggled with this idea yesterday but today I realized that God loves me soo much and has been there for me soo much my life is a small price to pay for the love he supplies daily.  Not only that I trust that the Lord will lead me to a promising future (Jeremiah 29:11). Why? Because He Loves me soo much : ).  He loves me enough to make sure im going to be ok.  His Love is what makes trusting Him so easy because  I trust that HIS WORD is true and I have Faith that He will never leave me.  We were made to serve..something.  As humans we were made to want to help, encourage and be a part of something.  Now I know that I want to live to serve God.  

Well I'll be...lol

So I was like so ambitious to be diligent and disciplined last night and I so didn't do anything today lol.  I hung out with my friend, dropped my sis's book off, cleaned my room and did my hair but the most important task did  not get done.  I am supposed to be volunteering at a youth center but yet I still didn't get the paperwork mailed yet : (.  I think ive been distracted by the world's glitz and glam that I haven't really been focused on what I need to do and what I stand for.  As I meditated with God today I realized that I haven't been trusting Him to lead me to the right direction.  I've been indifferent about life these days because I sort of gave up.  What are my dreams? What do I want to do with my life?  Why do I feel like assimilating rather than revolting?  Most importantly what is my true pigment?  Do I wait for God to show me what they are supposed to be or do I find these answers in my heart? I learned today that God has to have the final authority in my life, that he is the judge of what is good and bad.  I have to allow HIM to manifest in my life...why is this so hard to do? 

Weird Dream

I had a weird dream before I woke up.  I was hanging with a friend I used to hang with freshman year of high school and we were riding our bikes together along the highway.  As we crossed the highway I couldn't get my bike to cut threw the grass medium.  As I looked at the grass I noticed little mice EVERYWHERE! Ive ever seen these type of mice before.  As adults, these mice were the size of baby field mice mature just enough to have a fur coat.  The mice in my dream had stubby tails.  But anyways they terrified me and found their way in my purse. Yesterday i had a dream with the same mice-like creatures lol.  Anyways my friend saw that I was left behind so she cycled her way back as I received a call that my Dad was dead.  When she came back she had a very annoying look on her face and she was stating that all her other friends don't like me and im holding her back and we wouldnt even be cycling if I had a car.  As I quietly listened to her she received a call that her dad was dead and for some reason i morned for her loss because both of our dad's were dead which was too coincidental.  After the news she thought it would be a good idea to talk about our friendship and helped me with my bike as we made our way back to my house.  For some reason I was great full that she still wanted to be my friend and only thought about her kindness instead of the shallow things she stated earlier.  As we crossed the highway we approached thick bushes which were infested with these mice and spider webs.  She parted through them easily but I was trying everything in my power to avoid the nasty spider webs and numerous mice.  I ducked, squeezed and climbed my way through the bush but nothing seemed to work. 

Wow its been a min!

Wow I totally stopped blogging for reasons unknown but I read over all of my blogs and a weird thing happened -I ministered to myself lol!!  As I was reading the lessons I learned in April those same scriptures encouraged me again.  So much has happened that I may have lost focus as to what is important in life and what I stood up for.

Re-Cap of Summer 2010:

-I graduated in May with a Bachelor's degree!!!
-My family actually worked together to throw me a surprise grad party with a couple of my friends ^-^
-My grad party was def a catalyst of family bonding and my parents and I have loving open and honest relationships not only as daughter-parent but as woman to (wo)man
-I co-planned a surprise b-day party for my sister (the first one she ever had in her life.... but of course I accidentally  ruined the surprise by sending a mass text lol)
-I was reunited with my cousin I haven't seen in 4 years and we had a blast!
-Still don't have a "real" job so I had two jobs at the mall but I quit one just because the manager sucked lol
-Cut all ties with my ex-boyfriend of 5 years even though I love him very much I pray for him daily
- Spent my summer with a crush/friend which allowed us both to grow stronger in the Lord and gain a friendship even though we don't communicate often...
-Oh I graduated my spiritual gifts class at church so I can def start ministry work at my church


Soooo what am I working on now? Since I don't work often and have so much time to think,pray and read the Word, im trying to stay focused but It's been really hard.  I went through a tizzy today because I just dont want to do what the Lord wants me to do because I don't see the point of it.  I realized this way of thinking is just showing me that 1.) Im not trusting in the Lord and 2.) I'm giving up.  Sometimes I don't know what the Lord has in store for me and sometimes I have doubts that if he wants me to do anything for Him than I can't because I'm not strong or diligent enough.

I know that the Being who created this world out of nothing has the ability to do anything...I need to believe and trust Him that He can make me what I need to be for what ever reason I need to be it.  Its one thing to doubt yourself but its another thing to doubt God.  I think I was foolishly crossing the line.  God has place the book of Nehemiah in my heart last week and my paster taught from it last Sunday.  I will read a chapter a day and place my daily devotion on here : ).  As my paster said there's only two things that separate people.... discipline and diligence.  I have discipline sometimes lol but no diligence soo I have to work on that too.

Goals:

-Read a chapter out of the book of Nehemiah everyday 
-Practice diligence by completing my readings and posting my thoughts EVERYDAY and doing everything i do with EXCELLENCE!! 
- Practice discipline by going to bed early to wake up early so that i can pray, praise,read,post and walk the dog early to start my day (now this is a stretch!!!)

Shaken Soda Bottle

So sorry I haven't posted in awhile a lot has happened lol and on top of that  im a bit busy with school (and trying to graduate) and trying to get my spirit right.  I also realized that i post very long blogs and i somewhat tend to push it aside because they tend to be time consuming even though they help my faith walk sooo to sum up a couple of events....       

  Thursday April 15

• Was the day i set aside to organize my life (school note), clean house and study for my exam and what happened? This Thursday was exam day!!! I walked into class to take an exam I though was next week, lol talk about wrong timing.  After i took the exam I met a friend of mine told her the story and she offered to take me to get smoothies that she promised I couldn't resist.  There is always a silver lining.  I went to my dorm and cleaned my room and had a talk with the Lord

Friday April 16

• I woke up at 6:30 in the AM to go to the gym i decided that today was a  new day and I've been sluggish long enough it was cool I was early to my 11:15 class (which my professor was so dear to take not of.) Me and my Friend walked almost 4.5 blocks to have a smooothie (she promised ^_^) which was REALLY GOOD!! It was made out of strawberries, bananas, yogurt and get this OATS! I also took advantage of the additional protein and whipped Cream option! 

• I also That night one of the RSOs (Registered Student Organizations) I dropped had an annual event which I planned on not attending .They still feel sometime of way that i was women enough to say that the position I held (PR) was to overwhelming. Our relationship was strictly performance base and when i left their actions proved it.  i was supposed to do my friend's hair for the event (she was hosting it) but she never contacted me until I sent her a text and she said maybe and if i could also do her make-up.  After that didn't hear from her.

   I hung out with my cuz and she is a beautiful person inside and out! She is studying to be a phycologist and that so wonderful because I need help!  Anyways I was talking about my relationship with my "friend" which also spilled into the relationship I have with my mom and my sister.  I revealed that I get soo angry with them, its like the ones that i love are the same ones that continually make me frustrated and hurt.  i also realized (with her help of course) that the three of them can be toxic to my and the way I feel about myself and affect me in a lot of ways that I never really thought about.  I unconsciously make efforts to limit myself in their company due to the fact that "i just can't be around them like that." I always knew that it couldn't be completely their fault because they're 3 different types of individuals.  We came to the conclusion that i hold a lot of emotions,mostly hurt and anger, inside.  Peaches compared me to a shaken soda bottle their actions and comments make me angry and I get all fizzed up but i suppress my feelings and then im back to normal.  I'm really good at forgiving and being an adult....so i thought.  I always found myself quoting scriptures which remind me to be slow to anger and slow to take offense.   After a while, after shaking the soda can and letting in settle, shaking the soda can and letting it settle something spontaneous happens.  The can explodes!  That is exactly what I would do!


This is what I would do before I rededicated my life to God.  In my relationships I would take stuff and not say anything and forgive and do it over again but as time passed resentment would kick in and i would be soo fed up that i wouldn't care.  All the things that i took offense to or hurt my feelings churned inside until i became cold.  At that moment I would decided to bring up some issues that may have happened recently and try to express how i felt but because he wasnt used to it he misinterpreted my concerns as meaningless talk or he would just apologize.  Either case I would intentially hurt him by saying its too late and that im done!  He would want to talk but I would be soo cold and hurting and crying and spewing out everything I held on too.  My words would cut and  the fact that i would cry made the situation upsetting.  After I was done I would secretly take pleasure in knowing that he felt what i was feeling on the inside.  What liberated me was destructive to him and the worst part; i didn't care.  I wanted it to burn and I wanted him to suffer like I had too like I chose too.  With my mother I would just stop all contact.  I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't see her or anything.  When we did talk i would be pleasantly monotone and uninterested.  I did this because I wanted her to feel what I felt which was isolation and abandonment.  I still loved her but there would be a time "of explosion" when I was very cold-passively.   I thought that I sacrificed a lot for people.

Now I know that I have to express how I feel instead of letting it go.  I'm not cold anymore or  carry the burden of unforgiveness but I still have some issues.  The solution SPEAK ABOUT IT!! So far it has worked and it's the best advice i have ever gotten, do you know why?? Because the people you love the most would never intentionally make you feel like that or hurt you.  Everyone fights and disagrees but if you express yourself then it make it possible to actually see eye to eye or agree to disagree.  They JUST DIDN'T KNOW!!! How can I expect them to?  Guess what else....SOMETIMES I INTERPRET THEM WRONG!!! That's the power of communication and the Power of God! He knew I needed to get over this stepping stone and that's why He blessed me with my cuz so she can help me out with my issues lol!!

LOL F+

Hey! Ok soo I stayed up all night to find info for a couple of power point slide :/ And guess what lol!?!? My presentation topic was completely wrong!!! I received a 4/6 Because I presented the wrong analysis!!! WOW I went to sleep at 6 only to go to class at 11:00 lol!! We also received our exam grades and i got a 56% LOL FAIL!!!! The class average was a 65% so i din't feel too bad but still...

But

Their is no failure in Christ Jesus!! There is no failure in God because God can do all things.

Mark 9:23 (New King James Version)

²³ Jesus said to him, “If you can believe,^[a] all things are possible to him who believes.” 

He can keep you from complete failure IF YOU BELIEVE. You may fail at something (like my quiz), you may even fail at one thing repetitively but you are not a failure!With  Christ,  if you believe, you can pass whatever test (spiritual, academic, job related, family oriented.)  


 In my previous Blog It was revealed to me that if you take Faith and mix it with the Word of God  (Hebrew 4:2) you can enter into God's Rest.  Failure allows us to feel unworthy, obtain low self esteem and feel incompetent.  Feeling like a failure distracts us from the lessons that God wants to teach us.  Satan will use your failures to break you down to the point where you give up on being what God wants you to be! This causes separation from GOD!!! It also prevents us from entering God's Rest of spiritual Peace, Love and Security.  Often times I have to remember to focus on the lesson God was trying to teach me and not the fact that I failed.  Whenever I fail I usually beat myself about it even after I ask for forgiveness because I struggle with forgiving myself for my actions or thoughts.  If this sounds familiar remember If you are a child of God: 

Romans 8:1-3(New King James Version)

Free from Indwelling Sin

 ¹ There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus,^[a] who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ² For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death. ³ For what the law could not do in that it was weak through the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, on account of sin: He condemned sin in the flesh,

Romans 8:5 (New King James Version)

⁵ For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.

Faith requires you to BELIEVE!! You have to believe in the POWER OF GOD and HIS WORD!   You can't pick and chose what commandments and promises you will believe in either! You can't believe in one and not the other.  God describes his power through his Word to his children.  It's soo important to read his Word detailing his Works which shows HIS power. 


Back to my Situation: I Believe in his word but I have to admit i wasn't acting like it.  If I had been in my Word like I should have been I wouldn't have acted  inappreciatively of my blessing to attend this college.  I would have spent more time praising him and giving thanks through my studies.  I  know that God wants me to be better and he requires more effort on my part.  I have been lazy and procrastinated.  I acted foolishly because I did not take heed.  He speaks of laziness and procrastination. After looking at these verses I feel ashamed of all the time I wasted taking naps and on Facebook. I also believe that there is no condemnation so I must ask for forgiveness and guidance so that I can use the days and time he has blesses me with more effectively. I'm so happy that I started this blog because it makes it so easy to see what God is trying to do with my life and easy for me to study my word.  Thank you Lord for Caring enough about me to push me in the right direction!!